Feminine Products
by siriuslives394
Summary: James is sent to purchase Lily certain… feminine hygiene products. As a male, he’s hesitant. Of course, Sirius accompanies him, and takes advantage of the situation.


Feminine Products

"You do it." James urged, pushing Sirius towards the door anxiously.

"No bloody way." He replied, turning on his heel, heading in the opposite direction. James grabbed the back of his best mate's shirt, thereby stopping any and all progress Sirius wished to make.

"Sirius. Padfoot – my best friend, my son's godfather. Brother, even? Do me this small, inconsequential favour." James swung Sirius around, subtly positioning his friend directly before the pharmacy entrance. "I need you to buy Lily tampons."

"No!" Sirius said, tearing himself from his friend's sweaty grasp. "That's completely disgusting! What if someone, you know…" he lowered his voice, "saw _me_? Me, Sirius Black buying -" here, he pulled James in closer, lowering his voice further. "… tampons?"

"Padfoot!" James whined. "I can't do it! Listen, mate, even your nickname has something to do with it. Y'know, Pad-foot? Pad?" Sirius shook his head disparagingly at this comment. "Sirius, you were _destined_ for this. You are the… tampon-buyer. You must fulfill your quest!"

"James." Sirius said sternly. "I was not destined to buy tampons. Now, you get your ass in there or – god help us all – I'll tell Lily." At this, James scoffed.

"Tell Lily what? You have nothing on me, you foul bastard."

"Oh really?" Sirius questioned slyly. "How about sixth year?"

James blanched.

"You… you wouldn't." He said finally, regaining his ability to speak coherently.

"Oh, but I would." He said evilly. "So James, decide – Lily or tampons?" James took some time with this, mulling it over.

"Fine." He said firmly. "Tell her. I'd rather that than lower myself to purchasing feminine hygiene products. I – am – a – MAN."

"Alrighty then." And with that, he popped away. James stood, silently, outside of the red bricked building. Suddenly, he realized what he had just done to himself.

"Shit." He said. "Oh shit." And with that, he too apparated home. In his usual fashion, James arrived just a tad too late. Sirius, it seemed, was already mid-story. He knew this due to the increasing size and prominence of the vein pulsing in Lily's temple.

"JAMES POTTER!" She finally screeched, causing James to freeze on the spot, caught like a deer in headlights.

"Lily-kins, darling." He said weakly. "I can explain."

"YOU!" She yelled once, before James's self-preservation kicked in, and he apparated away. Sirius soon followed him, snickering slightly.

"Told you I would." He said smugly, crossing his arms in front of his chest, leaning against the wall. He was the picture of casual arrogance.

"You're a prick." James muttered, walking towards the ever-feared building.

"James!" Sirius called after him. "What're you doing, mate?"

"Buying…" Here, he paused for a moment. "Those – things." Sirius raised an eyebrow questioningly.

"You're still buying them?" He was incredulous. "Why? I just told your wife about you-know-what."

"I know!" James snapped. "That's why I have to do this! Do you _honestly _expect me to go home empty handed? She's in her bloody Banshee phase!"

"Ah," said Sirius sagely. "As is the downfall of women – PMS." At this, James began muttering mutinously under his breath. "What's that, darling? I can't quite understand you, Jamie-pie. Sweetums."

"Stop talking like that! Good lord. You try living with someone that _leaks _once a bloody month!"

"Ew, Prongs, gross."

"It's true…" James grumbled, still angry with the other man.

"That," Sirius announced, striking a pose, "is why I'm going to stay a bachelor for the rest of my life." He winked. "No bird's gonna hold _me _back!"

"Yeah," said James sarcastically, grabbing a hand basket off of a large, blue stack by the entrance. "And you have so many women vying for your hand."

"Pfft! Of course I do. I'm Sirius Black, Marauder extraordinaire. You know what they say, right?" As if on cue, James groaned.

"Oh dear lord Padfoot, don't."

"Once you go Black, you _never _go back!"

"Sirius!" James yelled, bringing the attention of several other customers to them. "I have seen it – you are not well-endowed enough to be bragging this consistently. You're nothing like Peter." In response, Sirius's eyes grew larger.

"Peter is an aberration. A mutilation. A freak. There's no way that's natural."

"I always wondered why he slouched so much…" James whispered, almost to himself. The pair stood at the end of the aisle, momentarily silent, in reverence of overly large penises.

"Padfoot." James whispered, finally.

"Yeah, Prongs?" Sirius whispered back.

"Where are… they?"

"Who?"

"You know…" James said awkwardly. "The stuff."

"Oh. OH! That stuff." Sirius thought for a moment, gazing at the rows of products. "Not a god damned clue, mate."

"Should we, you know, ask?" Sirius shook his head firmly at this, shutting down James's suggestion.

"We're men." He said simply, grasping his friend's shoulder in male-to-male comradery. "For one, we can't ask for directions – it goes against our code of ethics. And two, we _certainly_ can't ask directions for t-a-m-p-o-n-s." He spelled out.

"You know," James said, scathingly. "I'm pretty sure most of the people is this hell hole can spell at a child's level. Just for future reference."

"Haha." Sirius laughed sarcastically. "How about this then? JAMES POTTER – HUSBAND OF LILY POTTER – IS IN HERE BUYING TAMPONS." By now, James had tried (and obviously failed) to tackle Sirius to the ground. "YES. YOU HEARD ME. TAMPONS, YOU BLOODY RIDICULOUS PEOPLE! TAMPONS!" Sirius had the attention of everyone in the store. He was basking in the – poorly obtained – spot light. "So, tell me folks." He continued. "Anyone know where the TAMPONS are?"

A store attendant approached the pair, giving Sirius the evil eye.

"I hear you're looking for the feminine hygiene aisle?" He asked contemptuously. Sirius flashed a wide grin at the man.

"So we are, good man. Would you object to guiding us there, through this maze of shampoos and evil?" The attendant– who's nametag read Theodore – sighed slightly.

"Of course… sir."

"Excellent!" Sirius clapped his hands together, picking James up off the floor (for this is where he fell, when the embarrassment became too great for even him to withstand). "Lets be on our way, then!"

The pair followed Theodore – or Theo-lovely-bum, as Sirius had dubbed him. It took only several moments for them to reach the aforementioned products, but it seemed Sirius had already driven lovely-bum up the wall. James's face grew even redder when he realized just how many different types there were. Really, how was anyone to choose? Eventually, he chose one in purple packaging. It looked alright.

"If that's all sir." Theo said through gritted teeth, carrying James's selection. "Please follow me to the cash?"

"Of course, sir lovely-bum!" Sirius crowed, garnering far too much amusement from torturing shop boys. "And off we go!"

---

James was immensely glad that the whole ordeal was behind him, as they exited the store, lovely-bum following them.

"Please." Theodore said to the pair of retreating backs. "Please don't come again." At this, Sirius just smiled wickedly, and blew a kiss over his shoulder.

"Now you get to go home." Sirius grinned at James, having reached the apparation-point. "Have fun, snookums!" He yelled, waggling his fingers, before apparating away.

"Shit." Said James, remembering his current predicament. Hesitantly, the man popped home, covering his head. Surprisingly, nothing large and heavy was flung at him.

"Hello James." Lily said calmly, sitting in front of the fire, book in hand.

"Er… why, hello darling. Didn't see you there." James paused. "I, uh, brought home your… stuff."

"Why thank you, James. May I see it, please?" She held out her hand, waiting. Cautiously, James placed the plastic bag in her hand. Taking out the box, she examined it for a moment.

All seemed well, for several seconds, and James turned away from his wife.

"James?" She called suddenly. He froze.

"Yes honey?"

"You got the wrong type." She said icily.

"W-what?"

"YOU GOT THE WRONG BLOODY TYPE!" And something hurled past his head. "GO BACK! GET MORE! GO!" A candelabra smashed into the wall beside him. _Go, _said the small voice in his head, _go now, while you still have legs to go on!_

Instantly. James disappeared.

"Prongs?" Sirius questioned, looking at the man standing at the end of his sofa.

"Hey, Padfoot." He greeted casually. "Fancy another trip to the pharmacy?"

"Will Theo-lovely-bum be there?" He asked, a smile slowly sliding across his face.

"Of course."

"Well then," Sirius yelled, linking arms with James. "What're we waiting for? Lets go!"

And with that, the pair vanished, with a loud crack.

A/N: I was completely smashed when I wrote this, sorry for the quality. About halfway through this, I accidentally exited without saving. D: I HATE doing that.


End file.
